A Promise to The Pink Opaque: I Saw The TV Glow
By Gab Neal
[Note: contains spoilers]
I hadn’t understood the true pain of being buried alive until watching this film. There’s something chilling about watching a character go through something so brutal, something really hard to stomach. It hurts even harder, however, when you have the sinking realization that you could have been buried alive, too.
I avoided watching I Saw the TV Glow for a while. I knew I’d connect with its themes of queerness, self-exploration, and what it means to be your true self. A film about a teenager, Owen (Justice Smith), exploring his identity after his classmate, Maddy (Jack Haven), introduces him to a television show about a pair of superheroes fighting against enemies seemed interesting enough, but even if I didn’t know why then, I knew it would be a powerful experience for me. One day, I was unable to help myself.
That is when I realized I had found myself in the same position as Owen in the movie's promotional photo: sitting in front of a glowing TV in the dark. In this moment, moving forward, we had become the same, searching to discover why we are drawn in and what it all means, together.
We pressed play.
The movie opens with Owen, an elementary student, and his classmates running under one of those nostalgic giant parachutes used in gym class. At the same time, Owen walks around, looks up at the parachute's pattern, coded in the colors of the transgender and bisexual flag–pink, white, purple, and blue–already introducing queer-coded themes early in the film. The scene shifts to teenage Owen talking to teenage Maddy, who is sitting alone, reading an episode guide for something titled The Pink Opaque. It reminded me of my own teenage years, when I had only a few select friends and had hushed conversations in the corner of the room or on the playground. Owen begins to watch the show in secret with Maddy. He does it away from his parents, who, when he asked to watch it at home, once commented, “Isn’t that a show for girls?” This stung for me personally, as it was something I’ve experienced: being interested in something “for boys,” or getting scoffed at at the idea of my hair being shorter, something that was too out there for other girls my age.
The in-film TV show, The Pink Opaque, presents a 1990s aesthetic as a supernatural teen drama following two girls, Isabel and Tara, as they fight monsters led by the villain Mr. Melancholy. The setup is striking for me, a person who grew up connected to weirdness and outcast experiences, watching media as a form of escape, in part from the angst and discrimination I felt in the real world against my identity. Some of these characters were queer themselves, and I got the opportunity to think: wow, queer people are the heroes and center this time, and they’re cool!
Notably, Tara and Isabel in The Pink Opaque share the same neon pink ghost tattoo on the back of their necks, which glows brightly when they are together and gives them the power to fight off evil in each episode. Maddy, feeling connected to Tara, had drawn it on herself and then drew it on Owen’s neck to bond. However, soon after, it cuts to Owen harshly and quickly washing and rubbing off the ghost drawing, as if it were something to be ashamed of, something that he doesn’t want to accept.
Maddy, as a character, seems to be much more in touch with her identity than Owen is. In one of the more notable scenes, they’re sitting on the bleachers, and Maddy outright reveals that she likes girls and asks Owen about his sexuality. Owen explains that he knows he likes TV shows, but when he thinks about checking what's in there, he gets nervous. Maddy suggests to him that he might be like Isabel. I found myself relating to Maddy at this point in the movie as a fellow queer woman, aware of my identity and trying to find a point of connection with peers I knew, even if it was unspoken. I wanted to know, and to show, that we were in the same boat together.
Further into the narrative, Maddy goes missing from their hometown. Owen still avoids the question about his identity until Maddy returns and asks Owen to meet her at a gay bar. She tells him the truth he has been avoiding for years: their true selves exist in The Pink Opaque, where Maddy has adopted Tara as her identity. She has escaped from where she grew up, found herself in the show, and now tries to convince Owen to recognize their true self as Isabel. Later on, Maddy further tries to convince Owen of this fact in a very intimate, visually compelling planetarium scene, with constellations projected around the room. Maddy has found her heart and hopes that he finds his, too.
This next scene, to me, is the heart of the film. In it, this heart becomes literal, referring to the last episode of The Pink Opaque, in which Isabel tries to save her literal heart from Mr. Melancholy but fails. This follows a disturbing scene in which he takesIsabel’s heart on a platter and stores it away, proceeding to bury her alive. The show’s heroes don’t win. The villain has taken her heart; Tara and Isabel wouldn’t be together. Owen’s fate is implied. I am unable to wash the image of Isabel being buried alive as easily as Owen does the ghost on his back.
Watching this scene, I made a promise to myself: I will never be Owen. The movie ends with Owen still living in his hometown, saying he has found a family and a job of his own, but with no emotion in his eyes and no passion in his voice. It further solidified realizations about myself that, regardless of my experiences as a queer person in this world, I am still queer, and this is my truth. I want to live happily, get my happy ending, and not let anyone or anything change that for me. Being queer doesn’t have to be about pain; it is about courage, about happiness, about love. And that’s what I have to accept.
I will not let myself be buried alive.
Recently, I got a tattoo of the ghost symbol from The Pink Opaque. The process itself was one of the more painful tattoos I’ve ever gotten, but perhaps it represents that pain you feel growing up as a queer person, whether you are discriminated against, are not believed, or lose connections with others for something you can’t control. However, the final product, to commit to a path of self-love, accepting the “different” things that bring me joy, becoming more comfortable with myself, and expressing who I am without filter or fear, is life-changing on a path to further self-discovery.
I do wish that all of the Owens out there find themselves in Isabel someday, but living in my truth is the best thing that I can do for myself. A message drawn on the pavement within the movie rings true to whom it applies,
There is still time.
